When the surgeon told me recovery would be a zigzag, not a straight line, I believed him but I don't think I accepted just how wild the swings would be. I'll have a couple of days where I feel normal except for some pain at the surgery site, and then I might go 5 days of feeling absolute crap-emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Then slowly build back up to feeling pretty good. That's been the last couple of weeks, in fact. I still have scabs on the wound and pain under the skin, so healing is happening but not finished.

Yesterday and today I'm feeling pretty good, and I've been wanting to work on my sewing. I worked on some planning when I first starting feeling better after surgery, and now I have the energy to do some harder work.

But not actually manipulating fabric and thread with my machine just yet. I've been working on tracing patterns and fitting them to my size and shape. This is an important step and one I've been working on learning to do better since I first made a blouse back when I was a teenager and then couldn't button it up the front because it didn't fit.

Because I'm fat I have trouble anyway--lots of patternmakers just don't make very good patterns for fat people. Some don't make any at all. The ones that do often make shapeless clothing or styles I don't like (I've had a lot of trouble finding a jacket pattern in a style I like). Then because of where I carry most of my fat (bust and abdomen) I'm also not a good match for some of the "plus-sized" patterns because they aren't cut for my body type even if they are my "size." I can never make a new garment "straight out of the envelope." (Most sewing patterns come printed on very thin tissue paper, carefully map-folded and stuffed into an envelope; others are overprinted onto a giant sheet folded and stapled into a magazine, then you trace off all the purple-lined or red-lined pieces to make the dress or skirt you want.) I have to compare measurements (mine to the pattern pieces) and usually need at minimum what's called an FBA - full bust adjustment - to any tops. Sometimes I need an inch or so more at the waistline (since I don't really have a waist, just a torso with a belly in the front), or half an inch less at the shoulders (I have slightly narrow shoulders compared to my other measurements). And Just because the designer wanted the hem of the top or skirt in a certain place doesn't mean that's where I want it! Sometimes I want more length, other times less; I know what length top looks the way I want, and where I want my skirts to end. I also add pockets to any skirts, pants, or dresses that don't have them.

So I trace. I have tracing paper, I unfold the pattern tissue or pull the paper out of the magazine, and I adjust as I trace. I might trace over the smaller size at the shoulder and then ease the line out to the larger size at the bustline, or the waist. I might trace the sides of a shirt longer so it's more of a tunic (using an architect's T-shaped straightedge to extend the lines). I might shorten a sleeve, or change the curve of a hem (I like shirts slightly shorter at the sides and longer in front and back, and I have a French curve ruler that helps me do that). I've lowered and raised necklines depending on what I need: work-appropriate versus party clothes (but it always has to cover the top of my industrial-strength bras). I might need to slice down a bodice from top to bottom and insert an extra wide piece of paper (you can't always get the extra room you need just by adding to the side seams).

Then I compare the traced, adjusted pattern pieces to either a similar piece of clothing I already have, or to myself--I might pin pieces together into a mock-up. Sometimes I go so far as to make the garment up in cheap fabric, either real muslin or an old sheet (I keep old, ripped sheets just for this use). I might need to make more adjustments to the pattern pieces. I write the changes right onto the traced pieces, and cut off some or tape on some paper so things fit better.

All this before I ever lay out the fabric, find my scissors, and start cutting! In the last couple of weeks I've traced two new patterns. One is a lightweight jacket and the other is a tunic. There's a dress pattern I'd like to trace, too; may work on that later today.

Later this week I go back to the surgeon for the post-operative check up on my left ear surgery, and a discussion about whether I need surgery on the other side. I'm voting yes. Despite feeling a lot better, I still have some symptoms that I think are attributable to the problems with my right ear. And on the specialized CAT scan, my right ear was actually in worse condition than the left--I chose to have the surgery on the left first because that's where I was having the most symptoms.

I'd rather have the surgery and be sure it's fixed. I don't want to find out a year from now, after working my way back to normal strength and stamina, that my right ear is messing things up still or again. Of course if the surgeon adamantly insists I don't need it, I won't have a second surgery--but that would only be because he thinks I'm as healed as I can get, and that would be great news.

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I read blogs that vary among the political possibilities. I read progressives, and liberals, and libertarians, and even a few conservatives. And I'm noticing a lot of bad argument on all sides. But because I'm a pro-abortion woman, today I'm starting with a particular claim by Glenn Reynolds, whose blog is Instapundit.com.

He posted here that he thought the president giving a speech about abortion to Planned Parenthood was bad timing in light of the Gosnell trial. (Gosnell is accused of various criminal acts involving an abortion clinic he ran.) I just don't see why somebody being justly tried on serious accusations of abuse of the law is a restriction on discussing or supporting legal use of that same law. This one person broke the law-what does that have to do with the people who observe the law? Should all abortion clinics be closed because somebody did it wrong, even though it's a perfectly legal medical procedure?

But other people on other issues do it, too. Every crime that includes a gun use becomes a platform for anti-gun-rights people to attack legal observers of the gun laws. I have a concealed handgun license, which I've always believed was at least partial proof that I was a law-abiding person. I went to the trouble of paying the fee, taking the class, being fingerprinted (like a criminal) and having my background checked. I carry a license with my photo and other information on it, even when I'm not exercising my right to concealed carry. I don't confuse it with a license to do just anything--it's a concealed handgun license, not a license to carry a knife or a rifle or a bomb. And there are laws (that I learned in the class) about appropriate use of a gun that restrict me even though I have a concealed handgun license.

Most of the people who commit crimes with guns aren't abiding by the gun laws in the first place, and then they use their illegally-acquired guns to commit other crimes. Changing the gun laws will not stop them-they're already breaking the laws we already have.

Hard cases make bad laws. There should be more reason for changing a law than that somebody broke it and then caused horrific injury and death. After all, THEY BROKE THE LAW ALREADY. Why wouldn't they just break whatever new law is passed?

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The gracious kalmn gave me the age of 40 to tell stories about myself.

I lived in:
A 1909 bungalow with 3 bedrooms, one bath, a basement, a large yard, and a semi-attached garage, in a former trolley suburb that had been absorbed and urbanized by the bigger city. The house had been badly (very badly) remodeled a few times and was apparently a rental for 30 or more years before I bought it when I was 29. So at that point I'd lived there 11 years, with both my children--although also at that point I'd divorced my first husband (with whom I bought the house), spent a few years dating madly, and married my second husband.

I drove:
I can't remember whether I'd had my 3rd car (a 1998 Ford Taurus) totaled out from under me at that point so I was either driving that or the 1989(?) Ford Festiva that belonged to my (second) husband.

I was in a relationship with:
My dear sinanju, who is still my primary and husband. We'd been married for three years and had worked out some big issues; I think we were doing pretty well that year.

I feared:
My children moving away from me to live with their dad-and sure enough, each of them did so for high school.

I worked at:
The same place I work now, as a legal secretary. In November of this year I will have worked here for 25 years.

I wanted to be:
Happy, creative, more social, and less afraid. I turned 40 just under 2 months before the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, and I was very afraid that the US was about to start a war like World War II. I have mostly achieved those goals, but it didn't happen as quickly as I wanted.

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I've been doing reasonably well recovering from surgery. The first few days I mostly slept! I'd wake up, eat something (pudding), take meds, and fall right back to sleep. Then the wakeful periods started lengthening and now I'm down to a couple of short naps a day. I've even taken some walks of a half hour or so, once or twice a day.

The best part is I don't seem to have much or any brain fog. I can think! I can read stories and follow them!

I still tire very quickly, not enough to sleep but just to have almost no energy. The surgeon said this was normal and it could take months to get back my stamina and energy.

I've been feeling pretty happy and accomplished, and so appreciative of how much better I feel.

Until today. Today I just want to cry and cry. I'm so tired. And I'm so done with having one thing after another happen in my life, so that all I ever do is recover. I've started project after project over the last few years: tried to go to school to learn math and maybe engineering; sewing and knitting; learning some programming; trying to find a new house to buy. Each time something came up that needed attention and money and used us up. Things just keep getting harder and harder, and we're worse off financially now than we were 10 years ago or 5 years ago.

I keep telling myself that the bad stuff is temporary and the good stuff is permanent. But even when the bad stuff is temporary, it's so much of the time that the good stuff gets lost and forgotten.

So probably tomorrow I won't feel this despair, this frustration and this desire to just give up even trying to make things better. I can make it until tomorrow. But today is awfully hard.

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Apparently being in recovery from surgery does not give you magic immunity to the chest cold that has been going around, because I have a sore throat and have been coughing up stuff like mad. DRAT. At least the vicodin I take for the ear surgery pain helps minimize the coughing, too.

The surgery recovery is going well. I can chew, a little (nothing like steak or raw vegetables!), and I've been walking around the apartment a lot. Maybe tomorrow I'll get dressed and try going outside for a walk. The wound is starting to scab and heal, sometimes it even itches (no, I don't scratch it). I do tire very easily, just as the surgeon warned.

I don't like how my head looks. The hair is not exactly shaved over the wound but it's cut very short, and my face and head are still a little swollen. I've been looking around online for how to tie "modest" scarves, mostly at Muslim and Christian sites and some chemo sites, and I think when I have enoug energy to shop I will look for some scarves at the stores that match my work clothing.

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So believe it or not I am already home from surgery, which is pretty exciting. I have a large shaved area on my left skull with a big wound stitched up, and my left ear is plugged (no hearing on that side). I sleep a lot and eat a little (only soft foods-the muscles that operate the jaw were cut open on that side and I can't open my mouth very far nor chew anything. I've been eating soup and ice cream and juice.

I'm also definitely walking better, with very little dizziness. The whole left side of my head is pretty swollen and I sometimes have a headache, but the meds are taking care of it pretty well. I am usually up for about an hour, eating and walking, then sleeping for a couple of hours.

The surgeon did say that when they opened me up and moved away the brain, there were a great deal more holes in the bone than they expected, so I have a large area that is patched and full recovery may take longer than expected.

That's it for now--I was actually released from the hospital less than 48 hours after surgery, which is pretty cool. My husband and Twoson are taking good care of me.

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Slept well last night. Surgeon removed bandage this morning. I walked-with a walker-and ate jello and ice cream.

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I got a voicemail message today from a member of my family of origin. This person has wronged me multiple times in the past, asked me to aid zir, and generally ignored me when I asked for help. The phone message started off with "I heard you are having surgery, I hope that goes well" and then segued into multiple stories about how zie had been doing. Nary another word about me or whether zie could help or what I might want in the situation.

At first I started composing a long, angry response about how zie owed me an apology and ... and then I thought, "I don't want to give this space in my head." I really don't. So I'm not giving it space in my head, except to notice that I'm doing well at taking care of myself in this area.

Surgery tomorrow.

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Last weekend I had a really good visit with my LDR. The weather in the Bay Area was beautiful; we spent part of one day at Filoli, and that was a particularly good day in that I had a lot of energy and managed to walk around to all the parts I wanted to see.

I'm at one week till surgery, so today was blood draw day and also allergy shots day, 3 punctures total. The blood draw is necessary because I didn't pass my pre-op physical: on the blood panel, my potassium was too low. I've been taking extra potassium for a week so probably will pass this time. Everything else checked out just fine, and this morning at the allergy shot clinic I did terrific on lung volume, my highest ever.

Before the surgery I still have a pre-op appointment with the surgeon and a pre-op phone call from the hospital to get through; I have a list of questions for each. I also have a form to finish and submit for short-term disability through my union. The disability pay is bupkes but importantly it will preserve my health insurance, which otherwise requires at least 80 paid hours per calendar month for eligibility.

I still have moments of general anxiety (that is, I'm not worried about a specific thing, I'm just afraid of the surgery), usually when I'm tired.

I've got things set up at work for a temp, and asked a co-worker to water my 15 plants.

Can you suggest anything else that might make my recovery easier?

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Creating materials and training for teachers to use to teach consent culture instead of rape culture is the focus of this fundraising effort. The creator will offer the materials free to teachers. If you can't donate, boost the signal please!

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